I think we misinterpret when we talk about reinventing ourselves.
Maybe I’m hinting at the misunderstanding of the object of our reinvention.
We can change circumstances, settings, even outward expressions. But to reinvent who we are? No, it’s not something we can do. And I’d highly advise against such an impossible task.
The reinvention we want? It doesn’t come when we switch our job or our spouse or our friends. It doesn’t come when we change our hairstyle or our wardrobe or the way we interact with others. Reinvention occurs not to turn us into some better version of ourselves.
It happens when we finally realize our identity.
To get to this change we must thoroughly filter stories we tell and internalize about ourselves. What we allow into our core is what we will believe.
Reinvention comes when we begin accepting affirmations others speak about us after years of bashful deflection. Change also starts when we shed tears about the pains which are realities deep inside us.
After proper filtering and sharing we find ourselves ‘reinventing’ the way we are because, day by day, we embrace who we are.
Love overwhelmed me. And I found myself crying in my car in the church parking lot.
Like crying crying. Not whimpering. Not onion chopping crying. But pent up emotions and trials and bewilderment and disbelief crying.
It was the culmination of all the events of my past year packaged into one heavy question I asked out loud in tears:
‘God, am I narcissistic to believe for one second every seemingly unrelated, earth-rattling event which occurred in my life over the past year happened because You love me? Can all these debilitating events be in rhythm with the incredibly joyful events, married to each other in order to finally capture not just my attention but my heart?’
It broke me. And I think that is the point.
I was begging the question in the most relational way possible as the tears flowed. How could God be utilizing the actions of others to breakthrough to me? It struck a nerve because I was trying to convince myself God shouldn’t be including other people and their circumstances just to usher me deeper into His embrace.
God loves me? When the fact manifested itself in multiple wake up calls, love dissolved into the innermost parts of my soul. And the fight was on as I was saying out loud in the car ‘God loves me? How narcissistic of me! All these things happening to me, involving others, crashing me down or lifting me up, all of it can’t be happening just to refine me so I fully trust God! That’s so self centered.’
I was fighting with a strong either/or. Either all this is randomness occurring while I attempt to piece my life together. Or it’s all happening because God loves me so much. I was finally breaking down with the ramifications of the latter. Yes. It could all be happening to draw me close to Him. Which means God loves me. Always has.
And it really left me in a heaping mess when I realized this is not a narcissistic love. He loves you too. He actually does. If you lean in a bit to Him, you’ll notice the Light cutting through the darkness so it can be with you.
You don’t just remove the
Crow of the rooster in the morning,
The crisp biting air,
Nor the sense of freedom.
This is lodged in you,
As it should with any person
Who’s come to their senses,
As the senses call you back.
And we will waste our hours only
When avoiding child like faith.
This is no second chance!
You never took a chance before.
Fall into yourself as you fail
And risk all you were given.
You are loved.
That is why we never give up.
Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.
For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.
Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now;
Rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.
For the things we see now will soon be gone,
But the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT
Don’t make the mistake of
Catching up to everything you missed.
Every drop of you is redeemable.
You are loved by Love.
My math was off. By four.
I posted a couple weeks ago how I felt like I was 21 again. But as of today I am back to 17 year old me in high school. Back when weighing in the 180’s was the norm. For the first time since high school, I dropped back into the 180’s!
Measuring weight is one thing, and I am floored I accomplished this.
But the change in my energy and emotional well-being is the highlight. My energy level is off the charts right now. My ability to focus. My creative energy. It’s all here again.
Maybe it’s here again. I mean, it’s been so long I may have forgot what it was like to feel healthy. Or maybe the feeling is more of a rewarding sense because there was much to overcome, in contrast to 17 year old Dave just living off being young and athletic and indestructible.
See me in the before shot from 2013? I can’t see me. I provide this not as a before picture but as an in-the-middle-of picture.
Back then I was very aware I was not myself. I know a statement like that would be totally different if I had been heavy my whole life, but I hadn’t been. I had a past version of me to reflect on, a goal to get back to. My prior youthful athletic self was enough of a sample size to know I wasn’t myself.
I am closer to me right now. I want to live fully into the person Jesus wants me to be, the person He made regardless of my situation. He redeems everything. He leaves nothing to waste. He’ll even take dark seasons and turn them into the very best light.
I’m convinced telling my story so others can realize they are not alone in their pain is exactly how Jesus will be using my out of control weight years.
I’ll build bridges made of my scars to you.
“But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we’ve learned that if we’ll
Open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal,
And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart
And there’s no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends.” – Thrice, For Miles
Be on alert as your heart
Cascades into familiar territories.
To free yourself from past strife
Means not independence,
But a willing togetherness with those
Who suffered the deepest of pains.
There was a burden on his eyes,
A worn look expressing something you wore deep inside.
The task at hand is to be a healer,
Not to cave into the world’s thirst for blood.
We were being prepared for the now all along.
Not for false presents.
Focusing only on the pain.
Not for lying futures,
Birthing worries for tomorrow.
Not for traumatic pasts,
Pressurizing shameful anxieties.
We were being prepared
By a mangled, suffering, powerful Lamb.