As I surface from depths I never anticipated, I couldn’t help but notice I finally came-to somewhere I was never before.
Your expectations for me are expectations I never placed on myself, and never could I if I ever tried.
A world breaks in filled with nonsense to everyone not me but I can relate to this alien-rationale.
Anxiety mounts to perform in ways that will break me even as I finally breath the freshest of air and taste the most nourishing fruit.
As I justify my existence by the words others speak but don’t themselves practice, I suddenly realize no one knows what is coming out of their mouths.
I lean in further to the foreign land’s ways as I wash ashore now, not to be welcomed in the way I thought but instead further burdened.
The only sense I can make of it all is we are always never listening to others and we are always ever speaking to ourselves.
My only wish I have left is to speak as confidently about myself as others wishfully do for themselves.
The alien-rationale softly grips me tighter: Love your neighbor as yourself. As yourself. As yourself.
You want me to be something
Other than the disaster I am
With none of the side effects of
Losing regrets I’ll never see completed.
There is a constant sense of
Moving along without self inflicted burdens,
Yet born out of terrors are the exact
Words we all desire of me.
So come, rescue what’s left if you want,
But please, for the sake of
Sacredness within all we see and feel,
Rescue everything, take the depths too.
It’s day 366. It’s not a leap year either. It’s simply day 366. Or day one.
And today at the gym the song Convalesce by Wolves At The Gate came on in my headphones. These lyrics penetrate my soul deeply.
The song title is enough to make me weep. Convalesce. A word meaning to recover gradually after a time of sickness.
It’s the chorus stinging the most:
Show Me your sorrow My love
This burden is the milestone ’round your neck
Convalesce and I will bear, bear your shame
Jesus bears our burdens. He bears mine. My shame feels exactly like a milestone tied around my neck.
It’s the beauty of this chorus’ melody and structure. The music is nearly perfect to me. It’s the message too that packs the punch where I need it.
It’s Jesus saying: Recover gradually son, you were sick, but I got you. Show Me your sorrow, I really love you. I’ll even take your shame with Me. But this milestone, this burden, this weight, this torment, it has to go. And I’ll take it. Recover gradually son. I love you.
It’s day one. Not just day 366. In fact, it doesn’t matter what length of time it’s been for me or for you.
The only thing I know for certain is the thing I’ve known since a child. Jesus has me, He has my burdens, He has my shame.
There’s no need to fashion terrors to your chest,
Holding inside yourself a beaten down breath,
A grip wrought with the deceiving version of fear,
Forgetting the Person to heave all your burdens upon.
There was a burden on his eyes,
A worn look expressing something you wore deep inside.
The task at hand is to be a healer,
Not to cave into the world’s thirst for blood.
You were never meant to go it alone,
Community precedes creation.
Take the load off, son.
Discard your burdens, daughter.
If presented an opportunity to escape,
What would even be left for freedom?
The distance to travel is too great,
For it is wholly contained within.
There is a weight you cannot shoulder,
It pushes you down lower still,
An inner depth deep within the heart,
Barren while time washed through your hands.
Why heap pains on top of sicknesses?
Grinding of the teeth with a heart clenched,
Hiding in plain sight from the sorrows,
Justifying the extinguishing of passions.
The Suffering Servant King noticed of all this,
Held a cup,
And found your mangled heart at the bottom.
Did your work
Leave your heart beating faster?
So much so you know nothing of burden,
Only the lightest of loads.
The weather has no weight to it,
And neither do your burdens.
So glide down the path,
Fall effortlessly into your youth.