The Greatest Paradox Yet

I was not the best version of myself at all. There was still a lot to work on personally. And yet, there I was, living what I can only see now as a dream state. Part, but not all of, my dream even. Places I wanted to be, surrounded by the kindest people. In environments conducive towards igniting imagination and taking on great challenges.

It was other people’s dream states in fact. I was living other people’s dreams and taking it for granted. Because maybe I am right, maybe I was doing nothing I was meant to do which was leading me to destructive behaviors, which was killing me.

I was the worst version of myself.
Yet I was wanted and sought after.
How paradoxical.

Because now I am the best version of myself. I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am the closest to God’s heart I’ve ever been. I am more focused with incredibly productive daily rituals which allow me to be at my peak to take on all the projects in my life.

I’ve allowed my creative self to breathe life again. Fear is stripping itself not away but in lower quantities. Action steps are in place when I am confronted with fear. And I know now when my heart glows while doing something, TO DO MORE OF IT. Pretty simple but often neglected life-hack. But it is all coming together as I shed the roughest edges of myself. Putting on passions I’ve always had but just needed focused and refined.

I am the best version of myself.
Yet I am not wanted and overlooked.
How paradoxical.


Wait. But what if there was always only one Person who wanted me.

In Jesus, there is no paradox because no matter if I am out of place, no matter if I am not myself, no matter if the world wants me or no one wants me, Jesus wants exactly me. Exactly who I am.

Ode To September

Things change for me in September. Always have.

I even changed from not being born to existing all of a sudden.

And there have been several rebirths of mine in other Septembers. Killed off. Born again. Killed off. Born again.

And in birth, I find there is more pain than in the death. There is always pain.

But afterwords, there is life. There is always life.

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Reinvention

I think we misinterpret when we talk about reinventing ourselves.

Maybe I’m hinting at the misunderstanding of the object of our reinvention.

We can change circumstances, settings, even outward expressions. But to reinvent who we are? No, it’s not something we can do. And I’d highly advise against such an impossible task.

The reinvention we want? It doesn’t come when we switch our job or our spouse or our friends. It doesn’t come when we change our hairstyle or our wardrobe or the way we interact with others. Reinvention occurs not to turn us into some better version of ourselves.

It happens when we finally realize our identity.

To get to this change we must thoroughly filter stories we tell and internalize about ourselves. What we allow into our core is what we will believe.

Reinvention comes when we begin accepting affirmations others speak about us after years of bashful deflection. Change also starts when we shed tears about the pains which are realities deep inside us.

After proper filtering and sharing we find ourselves ‘reinventing’ the way we are because, day by day, we embrace who we are.