Take The Depths Too

You want me to be something
Other than the disaster I am
With none of the side effects of
Losing regrets I’ll never see completed.

There is a constant sense of
Moving along without self inflicted burdens,
Yet born out of terrors are the exact
Words we all desire of me.

So come, rescue what’s left if you want,
But please, for the sake of
Sacredness within all we see and feel,
Rescue everything, take the depths too.

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Convalesce

It’s day 366. It’s not a leap year either. It’s simply day 366. Or day one.

And today at the gym the song Convalesce by Wolves At The Gate came on in my headphones. These lyrics penetrate my soul deeply.

The song title is enough to make me weep. Convalesce. A word meaning to recover gradually after a time of sickness.

It’s the chorus stinging the most:

Show Me your sorrow My love
This burden is the milestone ’round your neck
Convalesce and I will bear, bear your shame

Jesus bears our burdens. He bears mine. My shame feels exactly like a milestone tied around my neck.

It’s the beauty of this chorus’ melody and structure. The music is nearly perfect to me. It’s the message too that packs the punch where I need it.

It’s Jesus saying: Recover gradually son, you were sick, but I got you. Show Me your sorrow, I really love you. I’ll even take your shame with Me. But this milestone, this burden, this weight, this torment, it has to go. And I’ll take it. Recover gradually son. I love you.


It’s day one. Not just day 366. In fact, it doesn’t matter what length of time it’s been for me or for you.

The only thing I know for certain is the thing I’ve known since a child. Jesus has me, He has my burdens, He has my shame.

Convalesce.

Heal.

Narcissistic Love

Love overwhelmed me. And I found myself crying in my car in the church parking lot.

Like crying crying. Not whimpering. Not onion chopping crying. But pent up emotions and trials and bewilderment and disbelief crying.

It was the culmination of all the events of my past year packaged into one heavy question I asked out loud in tears:

‘God, am I narcissistic to believe for one second every seemingly unrelated, earth-rattling event which occurred in my life over the past year happened because You love me? Can all these debilitating events be in rhythm with the incredibly joyful events, married to each other in order to finally capture not just my attention but my heart?’

It broke me. And I think that is the point.

I was begging the question in the most relational way possible as the tears flowed. How could God be utilizing the actions of others to breakthrough to me? It struck a nerve because I was trying to convince myself God shouldn’t be including other people and their circumstances just to usher me deeper into His embrace.

God loves me? When the fact manifested itself in multiple wake up calls, love dissolved into the innermost parts of my soul. And the fight was on as I was saying out loud in the car ‘God loves me? How narcissistic of me! All these things happening to me, involving others, crashing me down or lifting me up, all of it can’t be happening just to refine me so I fully trust God! That’s so self centered.’

I was fighting with a strong either/or. Either all this is randomness occurring while I attempt to piece my life together. Or it’s all happening because God loves me so much. I was finally breaking down with the ramifications of the latter. Yes. It could all be happening to draw me close to Him. Which means God loves me. Always has.

And it really left me in a heaping mess when I realized this is not a narcissistic love. He loves you too. He actually does. If you lean in a bit to Him, you’ll notice the Light cutting through the darkness so it can be with you.

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Bridges Of Scars

My math was off. By four.

I posted a couple weeks ago how I felt like I was 21 again. But as of today I am back to 17 year old me in high school. Back when weighing in the 180’s was the norm. For the first time since high school, I dropped back into the 180’s!

Measuring weight is one thing, and I am floored I accomplished this.

But the change in my energy and emotional well-being is the highlight. My energy level is off the charts right now. My ability to focus. My creative energy. It’s all here again.

Maybe it’s here again. I mean, it’s been so long I may have forgot what it was like to feel healthy. Or maybe the feeling is more of a rewarding sense because there was much to overcome, in contrast to 17 year old Dave just living off being young and athletic and indestructible.

See me in the before shot from 2013? I can’t see me. I provide this not as a before picture but as an in-the-middle-of picture.

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2013

Back then I was very aware I was not myself. I know a statement like that would be totally different if I had been heavy my whole life, but I hadn’t been. I had a past version of me to reflect on, a goal to get back to. My prior youthful athletic self was enough of a sample size to know I wasn’t myself.

I am closer to me right now. I want to live fully into the person Jesus wants me to be, the person He made regardless of my situation. He redeems everything. He leaves nothing to waste. He’ll even take dark seasons and turn them into the very best light.

I’m convinced telling my story so others can realize they are not alone in their pain is exactly how Jesus will be using my out of control weight years.

I’ll build bridges made of my scars to you.

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2017

But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we’ve learned that if we’ll
Open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal,
And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart
And there’s no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends.” – Thrice, For Miles

 

As Yourself

I am 21 again.
A decade coma is lifted.
There is life again
Where there was death.
The trick to it trails
Off the tongues of
Even the greatest theologians.
Focus on the last clause,
The sneaky backend of your
Occupation’s mission statement:
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
————–
As yourself.
————–
As yourself.
————–

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